cLinging to dEception

chubby_online

                        I think I’m glad I ended up in UP after all.  Last semester, I experienced altering feelings of being okay in UP or wishing I took the exam after all in La Salle and Ateneo or even end up in UST so as not to commit myself to drastic changes.  This semester, I think I feel o-kay…it’s sort of a stable feeling already.  But who knows…the time interval of the exchange of feelings might’ve just gone longer….haaaay

            But I’m still not sure with BAA…

            There’s totally a lot of things good about being in UP.  Something I’ve been fancying about today was getting to choose your General Education (GE) subjects.  It isn’t just getting to choose the easier subjects and the nicer professors but actually having a say on what areas you want to delve in more.  Like for me, I’m totally glad I took Chem1 and EL50 last sem.  Although I got a flat 2 in EL, I still learned a lot, specifically about the role of language…but with a little more emphasis on Europe.  I was actually contemplating last sem about joining EURO(as in the org)…but I thought…what’s with Europe anyway?  I loved World History back in highschool since the facts were interesting and entailed critical thinking…but thinking back…I think it was just because I had the special privilege of getting Sr. Isidro as my teacher.  Now…I think it’s somewhat superficial to be totally interested on Europe when in fact I’m not even European.  Yuck…nationalistic…??

            Anyway, this sem, I’m totally glad I took up Philo1 and Eng10.  I want to include Arkiyoloji1 but I’m not really good on that subject.  Actually, I got a dose of shame last Thursday when we were doing this iconcentric approach on a stone and as I was hesitantly reciting [Prof: Baka si Christine may gusto sabihin? ( actually NONE)], he cut me short by saying, “Now mali and reasoning mo kung magsisimula ka na sa mountainous area galing ang bato.”  Anyway, he was right, but after that I really told myself I have to redeem myself…unfortunately, Philippine history and archaeology is not my cup of tea.  Archaeology fascinates me…but only until there. 

Anyway, Philo1, I think, is an experience essential for the rest of my life.  I’d regret it if I didn’t take that course. 

Eng10 on the other hand proved to be a wonderful class since it’s absolutely far from my HS Grammar classes.  I just hate Grammar for its tediousness and oh-so boring lectures.  I think I actually started to like writing only in third year highschool.  My literary works [if you could call them that], before third year, were complete sorry sights of ridiculous ideas painfully glued to some amorphous form.  It all started from writing those research proposals [which I got a little obsessed with in 3^rd year because I actually thought I got something…unfortunately our experiment failed].  Blue Flame might have contributed too, especially Ate Tasha?...who sorely returned all my first submissions filled with red ink marks.  I thought I redeemed myself with the my last piece that got published, but instead I got a mean kicking courtesy of Ms. Penny for writing how we feel A BIT sleepy in CLE.  I mean, it IS true, 90% of the time.  I’m not proclaiming I’m already a writer.  But somehow, I just like writing now.  On the contrary, I still suck in English, especially my vocabulary and speech part.

Now one thing I really regret taking is NATSCI1.  For the love of humanity, I haven’t learned a single thing.  Well, maybe a few things, those which I’m bound to forget after perhaps a week.  I’m terribly excited of evaluating this subject and getting to encircle the “one of the worst professors in UP”.  This curriculum badly needs a make-over.  I mean we’re like studying relativity with my oh-so-nice professor flashing graphs about some kind of time dilation with symbols such as [lamba,lamda? Whatever] and explaining it in the most absurd and sordid way I’ve ever experienced.  He was right there in front lecturing, I believe HIMSELF, on the theory of relativity as if we were Physics student, which I am obviously NOT. 

He even has this irritating and hard to understand voice and speech pattern like “The(thee)-----delta T-----or-----the(thee)----time of which----the(thee) person in motion has----is a----expressed in terms of delta T----equals---some kind of a square root-----blablabla.”  [blablabla is of course not included]

 I just HOPE that I get a passing mark in my first long exam because I have no plans of taking the final exam nor repeating this f***ng subject!

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Anyway, I’ve been ignoring my brother since Tuesday.  As in completely NOTHING.  And it FEELS GOOD.  The only hard part is me having to do things by myself.  I’ve been resisting asking him to fix his mess, but of course I won’t.  Unfortunately, leaving the mess there [knowing he’d never fix them] will give both of us a scolding from my dad and mom.  So it leaves me no choice but to fix HIS mess as well.  If I get to keep this up until a month or until he give up…MAAAN…I really won this time~~wahahahaha!!!!

I’m not morbid.

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            I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last Friday with Cherine.  The film started around 5 and lasted until 7.  It’s actually good if you just live in UP [as in dorm maybe] since you get to watch quality films for Php50.00 only!  They actually featured films like Pillow Book, Kama Sutra, and all those awarded x-rated films…but they do make sure these films are of quality.  I mean I don’t think they present those trashy Filipino films like Balahibong pusa or something. 

Anyway, upon finishing the film, we got out of UP Film Center.  And WOW, was UP sad at night.  The atmosphere projected this eerie feeling that really gave me a slight goosebump rise.  There was absolutely no one you can run to if ever something happened….brrrrrr 

            The film was okay.  It appeared a bit fragmented at the start, especially if you already watched the earlier version, but everything is put in place at the end.  And boy, is Tim Burton addicted to grim pictures.  I think he’s also addicted with machines starting the film…as in like the cookie making in Edward Scissor Hands [also Johnny depp], and this time the chocolate making, while the preliminary credits flash one by one.

            I can say Johnny Depp can really act.  Although he gave a more personal touch to his Willy Wonka thanks to his convincingly played weird mannerisms.  And he IS getting old…or maybe it was just because of the foundation…

            Anyway, I had to borrow P20 from Cherine that day since I spent all my money with me knowing [stupid me], on isaw and Zagu.  I ate 10 isaw [I-UD] sticks and 2 tenga ng baboy sticks then drank this disappointing Cookies and Cream Zagu.  The vendor actually pissed me off when she said out loud with me right there that “and dami naman niyan! Pang medium na yan eh” [I bought the BABY-Z size].  It’s not as if it was my fault…and HELLO…the thing tasted like some chokies-mashed drink with absolutely no trace of cream. 

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Hehe…and as soon as I got home [about 8:20], I washed my hands, opened the fridge, and used the butter knife to slice a large hole in the half-water melon inside our ref.  [as in yung part na walang buto sa gitna yung kinuha ko].  It was undeniably refreshing!

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I’ve been abusing the word “mediocre” for quite a while now…I think I need a replacement.

chubby_online

“a commercial of how normal we are when were anything but”

-American Beauty-

            Time never fails to surprise me when I suddenly wake up from life’s mediocrity and begin to understand that the clock’s ticking has nothing to do with relativity and that the clock is just a clock in the middle of a still incomprehensible [irrational] universe.  No matter how silly it sounds...time does fly

...and when it does, it doesn’t stop, it never stops – that’s why sometimes it seems irrelevant because it’s always there doing the same thing...

...but that, unfortunately, cannot be argued...time is relevant no matter what...it’s a fact

            The point is...uhm...I don’t know...I think I just REALLY hate my NATSCI1 exam tomorrow [yes, I already hate it]...to the point that it has given me the illusion that I could have been a philosopher at another life.

I repeat...it’s an illusion...in simpler terms...FALSE.

            Giselle and I ate at the Math cafeteria today.  I ordered Katsudon and she ordered Tonkatsu(?).  Actually, I didn’t really know what Katsudon was but Giselle was pretty sure that Tonkatsu was breaded porkchop.  Anyway, what we both got was some kind of breaded porkchop with this [very] salty tinola soup, with rice, with some bland-tasting toge [it was okay].  The only difference was that my porkchop was drenched in this sweet sauce while she got this semi-salty-sweet sauce in a small container.

            The Katsudon was actually P55 only while the tonkatsu was P60.  Either their pricing is totally ridiculous...or...I accidentally ate the tonkatsu instead...LOL

an extra smile for an extra mile

chubby_online

I love my brother [or I think I did].  I know I show it but for some annoying reason [“I’m not sentimental ate”], he doesn’t know it.  Weird? No...perfectly appalling.  I’m not sure if it’s really me or if he has some psychological problem with his inner being...or whatever that is.  He was repetitively shouting “Ano, sapakin mo ako, murahin mo ako, parusahan mo ako, wala akong pake-alam”.  And let me emphasize that this was accompanied with blinking eyes, breath intakes as heavy as warships, and a stone-like body.  He was close to punching me but I preferred to keep quiet to make it even.  I’m not surprised if he spilled the beans about everything bad and evil he knows about me.  It would be acceptable and natural if we weren’t really that close, like classmates or some strangers who for some reason became friends but now are enemies, or real traitors, but No.  He’s my brother.  As far as I know, I’ve done everything to try to make him happy.  I pray for him always.  I worry about him.  I bring home pasalubongs if I feel extra rich[I admit I use these sudden favors against him when I get pissed off on the same moment I give him something...which like happens 90% of the time].  I’m not saying this to save the remnants of my dignity or to justify my apparent cause in writing this.  I’m saying this because of the disappointment I feel.  After all I’ve done, he treats me like this.  YES, I may have been unfair, evil at times, inconsiderate, a shouting bitch, a disrespectful sister, an unworthy Scholastican or UP-nian [as he puts it], but I know I always try to make up for all of these.  I know I have a lot of short-comings, but I do acknowledge them and try to swallow my pride at the end. 

And what does my brother have to say about this??

“Tapos ang galing galing mo makipagbati!”

I mean what the hell does he expect me to do?  Not say sorry?  I’m saying sorry because I’m actually acknowledging my wrong doings and I’m regretting them.  Isn’t that the point?

Another thing I got pissed off [which when he told me got me rising from my chair and pushing him backwards] was “Tapos ang sipsip sipsip mo kay Inay.  Yakap ka nang yakap!”

I mean it isn’t my problem if he doesn’t share the same sentiments I feel about my parents.  I thought I’d lose my mom twice already...and I know someday I will [although physically...it hurts].  As he said  he isn’t a sentimental person, so back off.  I want to hug my mom because I want to,....damn it.

It’s unfair that everything’s turning against me.  I’m the bad guy(?) now.  I’m the no good daughter.  Maybe my parents now think I’m a complete backstabber churning on every idea to persecute my poor li’l brother.  My dad now treats me with irrelevance...or so I thought.  The fact that they treat me as if nothing happened bothers me outright.  I’d rather be punished.  That way, I know I’ve payed...even if it was for the wrong cause.

I hate him.  I hate him.  I hate him.  But deep inside, I wish I really did.

I wish my brother would snap out of this act he’s putting up and start thinking about what really happened the past 13 years of his life.